This post, I think, will be be longest that I would have ever written. The story starts on a clear Tuesday morning. It was the 3rd of June of the year 2008. It was an odd feeling to be going back to university so early. I usually have a 3 week holiday but this time it has been cut short to 1 week and 3 days. Why? Because this year I joined the orientation committee for the new intake students for the term 2008/2009. This is the account of my mix feelings during this one special occasion.
I reached my apartment very well of the estimated schedule. As usual my parents fetch me back to MELAKA only this time with the exception of Mun Hou since he didn't join the committee. Anyway, the time was 12pm and as I was unpacking my food supply with the help of my parents from the car, a strange breeze blew at us. I had a feeling that this semester would be different. I didn't know what would be different but I shudder to even think it. The winds of change as sailors would call it.
I met Sam in the apartment. Damn! He reached before I did. Again. Oh what the hell. The guy lives in Negri Sembilan. Very much closer to Melaka then I'll ever be. After unloading my stuff and had a quick lunch with my parents, I bid farewell to my parents and we ( me and Sam) started to clean up the room. Oh crap. I forgot to mention I cut my extremely long hair. Here is the difference. =) 
Yes Yes its very much shorter. I am always stuck between these choices. Long or short. Long or short. Agh. I said screw it. Fuel price is going to increase so I had better cut my hair short so I wont need to cut my hair again till next year. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Cheap skate right?
Ho ho ho. Lets see you jump with joy when you pay your hair dresser now. Even my Dobi service increase RM0.50 to their original price. Imagine my shock when I received my invoice. Haiz. It totally sucks. Why is our country, a freaking producer of Oil charging so much to its people. It doesn't make sense. Its like buying the product from another country. It SHOULD BE CHEAP.
Even Thailand's people are buying our petrol oil. The person running the economy of my country must be drunk or he mistakenly signed some agreement papers.
Anyway, back to my story. The orientation Committee camp.
CHAPTER 1: Experience!
Objective: To freaking tighten our bonds of friendship. And I have to admit that it worked. My social network expended. By a lot. I now have friends from other faculties and other Years. This is new to me since I have only focus on my studies up till now. I told myself everything has its place and time. My scholarship procurement is much more important then making lots and lots of friends. So since I already secured that, I guess the next thing would be to expend my network.
1. -> OC Camp ( Red Team ) at Taman Botanical. Day 1
2. ->OC Camp ( Red Team ) at Exam Hall. Day 2
3. ->OC Camp ( Red Team ) at main field.
Football match. Short vs Tall
Day 3
3. ->Registration Day! At SRC room.
At main hall giving out the free bags. =)
4. ->Orientation Day 1.
5. ->Orientation Day 2.
5. ->Orientation Day 3.
6. ->Orientation Day 4. (Last Day. Most likely the reason for excess of photos! hahahahahha)
Finally. At the month of June the year 2008 I experienced being an Orientation Committee mobile division heading the group Yellow 2.
It was truly a great experience. I made tons of new friends. I realize that my life in university has just started. Some of my friends said I have changed. I assure you I am still the same old person. Oh and I am regarded as young in orientation. Some even say I look like 15. OMG. 15??? And I'm in university? Come on!! Even if you were to guess it would be 17 or 18. Because if I were to enter university at the age of 15, I would be on the news! Or maybe not.
I belief that pictures mean a thousand words. The pictures it self tells about chapter 1 of this post. I think the right word to label it would be HAPPY.
In fact, I even returned from orientation with some new attention. I guess it now comes to chapter 2 of my experience. Chapter 1
CHAPTER 2: Cause! Effect! Conclusion!
The cause.
I will never know what truly caused this. It was a weird sensation. I never had attention before in all my life. At least not any from the opposite sex. You can say I got carried away by it. Sort of like addiction to drugs and cigarettes. I never did open up to my course mates. They know so little about me. I don't know weather they drew their own conclusion about me in the end. But it doesn't really matter. I never did care what others thought of me. Or even cared to judge me before knowing me. My actions so far came with reason. I found no reason to let others know about me. And when I joined orientation, I realize that I now have reason to open up. Not to get attention. But the job prescribed me to be friendly and helpful. Traits that I safely kept hidden so that I could focus on studies.
Since I already got what I want, I decided to make university life a memorable one. I decided to show what I am capable of. The result?
The effect: Friends and more.
I got carried away. I was addicted to it. And as such I took it for granted. I have never took things for granted and yet now I have. Every precaution taken to avoid this from happening just dropped and collapsed. I never knew that my "wall" was so fragile. It crumbled to dust and ruin as I type this.
The irony is I knew the effects of addiction. Once its taken from you, you seem to lose all meaning to life. You cant live without it and cant bare to live apart from it. Why is it so? Addiction is truly powerful. Knowing that, I took the great leap of awakening. And tried to destroy my lust for it. I guess the bible was right. Lust is a sin. My cravings for it has still not subsided.
I knew the effects of my actions. It would most probably kill and break the drug. But like all drugs it still lingers in the public.
Taunting me.
Tempting me.
Teasing me.
Some times my mind is clear of it. And most times, I am addicted to even a faint scent of it. I try to rid myself of it. And as miracle would have it, the drug itself is being subdued. I do not know why its actions are so or how it happened.
CONCLUSION: The final word.
I decide on choices.
Linger on in this fantasy? Or sleep it off hoping that when I wake up the next morning it is all a dream.
Do I curse that it ever happened? Or do I cherish the memory and close this chapter......
Or maybe I should continue to write this story and bring it to another chapter of my life. I feel numb. I feel empty at times. Its as though my old life was a total bore compared to the rush and anxiety of these past few months. I expected it to come. I just never thought it would be possible. So I never did plan my actions. It was all spontaneous. I knew it wont last long. So I decided to break the bond. It didn't know me and vice versa. My principles of life. My complexity. My every reason for action. My expectations. My likes and dislikes. And neither did I know the latter. It was as though seeing my old wall. So hard to break. So hard to cross. Why did I ever let mine fall I wonder.
So what do I do now?
Endure it?
Or subdue it?
I may have been blind but I am not deaf. I hear clearly the voice screaming in my head. Telling me to do what I should have done a long time ago. I can feel the difference. And yet I hold on. Why?
"You never know what you have till you lose it."
It must be this very reason that I fear losing it a second time and regretting it. Hold on as long as I can. Knowing myself I would hold on till the drug itself dies or is completely extinct.
Does it deserve such honor from me. Does it deserve such loyalty. Its being trampled with. Taking me for granted would be its undoing. And it would be mine as well. In fact, I am already feeling the burns of my own actions. Maybe that too is the reason I am willing to jump hoops. But please. If the fire has already burned out let me stop acting foolish. I know myself. That I would never stop till I am sure it has been extinguished.
This can't go on forever. I'll give it one more week before I rebuild my solid wall.
1 week! As I stare into the deep night sky, I wonder if I truly can let go. Only time will tell. But either way. I was and still am happy that this all happened. My life wouldn't have been so full of color without your presence. And for that I thank you for even you would take notice of a person like me. Even though it was just for a short time period. But it would be better this way as I can't endure anymore of your avoidance. You must understand. You would not have known me if I decide to let go. I am trying to spare us both that misery.
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